Aaaand, we're back!

1- DAMMIT!
2- DAMMIT!
3- Nice little blue manicure that matched nicely with the Caribbean Sea and all my outfits worn during my Cuba trip
4- *SHAME*

Ooook, so it's been a while.

My motivation to write here (and to respect my resolutions) had taken a hike the last month or so. I have excuses, but then again, don't I always? The point of the blog was to try and STOP making excuses.

So recap: by the end of Feb, BF and I had found a condo that was interesting and which we bought. Squee!! Since then, I've been running around, planning the move, taking care of official paperwork, securing a mortgage, calling service providers (BF called the power corp in between two bouts of constant nagging for me not to forget to call the cable and internet guys...) and purchasing a ton of stuff. Wallet's pretty empty right about now... But now, we're all moved in, mostly unpacked and things are good. I no longer have to put up with a 4h commute, it's 45 min door to door, including a nice little sardine metro ride but that means I have the metro at the door, which is AWESOME. I'm Freeeeeee!

On the work front, the last few weeks have proved slightly hectic, what with all the dept going on vaca, one advisor at a time. Glad we had the replacement lady, she kicks ass. As usual, I'm still too nice with customers, wasting a lot of precious time on people that will not bring in anything and being too diplomatic to tell them "Well, you spent your school money on a trip to California... and now you want another loan to pay for school expenses?" Not all of them are like that, but I know I need to work on how to say a final "No" with the customer still in the office. Will save a lot of time. Boss Lady also has a whole new set of expectations, and I need to work on meeting them all. After my own vaca. Which is why I finally have the time to write in here.

Last week was spent in Cuba, and I did nothing other than lying on the beach or around the pool, reading It by Stephen King. I did my best to blot out everything from my mind, and only concentrate on enjoying myself and relaxing. I also lost BF's beach towel, it flew off our 3rd floor balcony while it was drying, so now I have to buy him a new one...

Prior to our departure, I gave myself a good kick up the arse and painted nails and toenails with my super resistant polish, so that it'd look good and not chip off after 2 days. It stayed perfect up till 2 days before we were due back, so I was happy.

Food front: Trips are never good for the weight, especially ones where food and drinks are all included. So I'm back to square one (feels like I haven't really left it yet anyways). But I now have a new tool in my arsenal: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ Ava found it and since she's motivated, it's motivating me to move forward as well. I've become her MFP friend. Hopefully, we'll get to keep each other in check and encourage each other. I really need to find something to do though, and someone to do it with. Frisbee, badminton, anything.... I fucking hate the gym. I know there's no "miracle" solution, nothing that'll get me back to 140-5 by tomorrow, that it takes time, but DAMN it feels so fucking hard having to wait.

Suppose it's time I get off here and start moving around. At least, it'll burn off some calories.

Will write some more later. Yes, I WILL.

F

1- Nails are ok, skin on left thumb a little knicked, but not too bad
2- BLERGH.
3- New manicure pending
4- *weeps*

This week at work felt like the longest week in Hell.

We're moving along on the condo front, I'm freaking the fuck out, seeing all my hard earned cash invested into this ONE single thing. Yes, though it's pretty unlikely, I'm panicking at the thought of a repeat of the mold-infested apartment. Only if this one fucks up, I've got a mortgage going along with it. Fuck.

Guess there's a reason my thumb took a hit this week.

Got the car back last Friday, along with my gym bag, but considering I gotta plan English lessons (thank god for that extra income) and sign a shitload of paperwork regarding the condo, gym's taken a hike. For a little while now. (Though previous missed appointments can be chaked up to the car accident and the fact that my gym bag was IN said car while it was undergoing repairs.)

Ok, so that's no excuse for all the junk I've been ingurgitating. I'll just blame stress and lack of time for that.

Nails this week were a little worse for wear, actually had to take off the funky fuschia polish I had on as it had chipped off and looked quite unprofessional. Have yet had to paint them again, but restrained from gnawing them off, which is stil an improvement.

And yeah, that's pretty much it. I want to write more, I want to write better, but I'm just so fucking furiously busy. I get urges to write, and instead of doing that I'm washing dishes, cooking, putting away clothes, cleaning up after BfuckinF, or otherwise I might just bust a fucking fuse seeing all that stuff needing to be done and instead taking time to write...

Gah, fuck it.

The end.

1- Much progress has been done the last few weeks
2- According to the nurse, lost 3 lbs by not going to the gym. Or on the gym's scale...
3- Keeping up good nail polish habits, though far from being as elaborate as tutorial videos on youtube
4- Lacked time and motivation. But mostly time.

X's funeral was last Sunday. Things are getting back to the way they were, though I often catch myself thinking 'I have to show X this when he...' and then remember that I'll never get to, that he won't come back.

Cat was at X's funeral. X's sister invited her. It was nice to see her being functionnal, though wtf do you say to someone who's just tried to off herself and missed? And ended up losing the love of her life in the process. I was glad that most people there didn't seem to blame her for what happened.

The funeral home was packed with peeps I didn't know, a lot of relatives and friends. I caught myself thinking I was surprised that X had that many friends... though it's true that funerals are for the family more than for the deceased.

Dre had made a photo album for the family. It was a nice gesture, though a little loaded... she had cut Cat out of all the frames. But then, when it came to X, Dre had always lived in a rose-colored world. And now that he's gone, I don't think he's about to set the record straight. (Personally, seeing the love of my life committing suicide with another girl woulda kinda given me a hint...)

Summer's gonna be the hardest. Shows, parties, roadtrips, breakfasts at Eggspress... tons of things where I was just used to having him there.

It just baffles me. The thought that he was so, so unhappy, that he'd want to end all this. That nothing in his life was enough to hold on to. That the thought of us, of me and BF, of his sisters and his nephews, that CAT, that music couldn't keep him with us. I just don't understand. I'd like to. But I can't.

And I can't ask Cat to relive all this so I can satisfy this morbid curiosity. She's fragile enough as it is.

And yet, even through all this... life goes on.

I've been keeping away from my thumbs, the skin's almost back to a normal color. Still fragile though, so that if I barley nick it, I'll make a scratch and have to work even harder at keeping away from it. Kinda what happenned today...

On the food front, met up with the nurses hired by my work. Clean bill of health according to the blood tests, and I've also improved on my habits compared to last year. Plus, don't know if it's a trick of the scales, but I would apparently have lost 3 pounds... Which is a complete mystery as have not been eating healthy at all in the past weeks. Way too much restaurant (though we have an excuse for that... sort of.)

Been keeping up the good habits of putting on polish (and taking it off when too destroyed) but can't seem to find it in me to put on makeup. This will probably improve soon. I hope. As will my writing habits. The main reason for that?

We have found a place to live.

As exciting as it is, it will also bring its fair share of challenges. But I'm really eager to take them on.

More on that to come.

As they say : Life goes on.

Ripples

A pond makes a perfect reflection. Then suddenly, a rock drops and creates ripples on its surface.

That's what Mr X's suicide feels like.

It's funny that I mentionned them in a previous post, Mr X and Cat. Prolly cause I thought when they'd be back from Vegas, I'd have anecdotes to post here. But X won't be back. And I don't think Cat will ever be the same.

Cat's a friend from college. Mr X was a friend of BF. They got together after they met at my moving party (moving into the disaster appartment).

Cat had recently divorced her French boyfriend of 7 years, husband of 7 months. France didn't live up to expectations and neither did married life.

Mr X was back on the grind of having no job (or close to losing a job he hated), taking too much dope, having broken up with a steady girlfriend who was probably one of the best things to have happened to him. But "She lived too far and had a kid." Things had gone downhill from there.

I guess they kinda felt the same way towards life when they met.

They tried to make it work. Cat had a job (when she felt like showing up) and he took up odd jobs here and there with Fat Mike. But they both seemed to hate it. And thus, drugs seemed to dull the pain.

They showed up on our doorstep one night with a tattoo of each other's initials behind their ear.

She moved in with Mr X after barely a few months, even after he had told BF he never wanted to live with a chick again.

We saw them less and less.

BF kept saying he didn't feel like meeting up with them. They had a habit of rarely being punctual, and of not being there when we needed them (or just when we would have liked to see them.) Everything was always too planned.

I asked them to come on vacation with me and BF, in Mexico, in April. We were in November. Cat asked me how could I live like this, planning things months in advanced when I didn't if I was gonna be alive tomorrow? I thought cuz the big picture needs to be planned, at least a bit. Otherwise, you're just lost.

We didn't see them often after summer. No time, but also no calls and blergh answers to our texts.

So we let them be.

Then, a fb message came. Cat and X were selling all their stuff. Everything they owned. An alarm bell sounded in my head. But I don't know why, it died out at some point.

They had no jobs, they needed money. Why not sell their stuff? Then came their announcement that they were going to Vegas. It all made sense.

I thought they'd come back married. Goes to show just how much of a different page I was on.

I got the call from Ava on Monday night. "V, Cat's gone to Vegas to kill herself with Mr X."

The end of the night was just a blur of tears, of that can't be, of maybe they just want attention. It's strange how at some point, the feeling of panic dies. There's nothing you can do, nothing to be done. You just sit with this feeling of SNAFU until you get more news. BF thought they were fucking with us. He sent a text to Mr X asking if they were getting to grab a beer anytime soon. To our astonishment he answered. " 'Course Bro. Xx" That was 8:50 Sunday.

At 5:23 on Monday, Ava called me to say he was dead. And Cat was in the hospital in LA. Alive. It was a most terrible joy.

"You know, it never even crossed my mind. To me, it was a two for one deal. Either we got them both back, or they were both gone. I never thought..."

We never stopped to think about the possibility. The idea was absurd in its atrocity. For one of them to live, with the knowledge that...

I cried on the drive back every night this week. Though the rest of the time feels incredibly fucked up in its normalcy, the drive back is always just me and BF, at the end of a tedious day, and the ipod singing my thoughts better than I can express them. And so I just stare out the window, I see the images of that pond in my head, all those pictures of what was, of all that won't be, of all that could've been.

Salut Pascal.

Meh.

1- Crap, got bored at work. At least, not too much damage.
2- Gym's not working. Or I'm doing something wrong.
3- Never ever borrow mum's colors again. Funky pink turned out soft cotton candy pink. Not good.
4- Busy busy, gotta keep up!!


Yeah, that's the tough part with kicking a habit: whatever you do that you're trying to stop, you do it unconsciously. Because it's a habit.


After a busy morning, was completing a customer's file when Ronnie came in for a 2 min chat. As she was talking, suddenly noticed a strange sensation in my thumb I hadn't felt in a while. Looked down.... and noticed that I had managed to scratch a sliver of skin off. Stopped right away, but damn, keeping away from my thumb for the rest of the afternoon was...GAH! Managed not too bad, as only a small hole on grown back skin. And now doing my damnest to stop picking at it!


Back to the grind of the gym, saw a nutritionist at work last week and attempting to implement his advice. So far, all it has done is make me stagnate in my efforts. But I shall persevere!!!! Even though tonight, going to the gym felt like the last thing I wanted to do.


Manicure disaster! Thought had picked out a funky flashy fuschia to put on my nails. Turns out that dry, my nails look like tiny lollies. Polish is wearing out fast though, I suppose that for once that's a good thing. But man, I just don't have the energy to do my nails during the week, I'm beat. 3+ hours of commute per day certainly doesn't help.

Wish I could write more. And better. Well, I suppose practice, though does not make perfect, helps. Would probably allow for more writing if I had Word back up on this piece of shiite computer. And would help creating the templates needed to teach my new session of English classes. Man... I need TIME. Where do you get to buy that???

And I give a damn because?

1- Considering the call I got Wednesday, insanely good.
2- Gym on Thursday (thrice a week by next week, I swear!!)
3- ...yeah, need to refresh the polish on my nails.
4- man, I missed writing more than I thought.

So Wednesday at work, got a call from my ex-lanlord's company. Now here's the thing: my landlord was a major crook, ass, cheapass, *insert other suitable adjective*. The apartment I rented from him turned out to be a mold infested place that destroyed most if not all of our furniture. After long and extremely tedious legal procedures, we finally managed to break our lease by threatening him with a city inspection. And we would get absolutely no compensation for our destroyed things. Fantastic. At least, I still had my lawsuit at the Régie du logement. (Which will be settled in either 4 months to 2+ years...)

Only, things didn't simply end there. Last month, the city calls, asking how things are going with my apartment. I say "Splendidly since I don't live there anymore." Aaaand, even though I tell them I don't want anything to do with it anymore, the city decides to go and inspect anyways.

And Wednesday, there's this message on my machine. "Mam, please call us back as we have had a city inspection and we would like to ask you some stuff."

Ok. Seriously. I thought this shit was over and done with. My lease is broken, I got nothing to say to them other than "I'll see you in court." which, btw, WAS the last thing I said to them. So I call back, 'cause I'm a good girl who returns her calls, even those to crooked landlords who overcharge and take +4 days to call you back when you tell them your apartment is full of mold and WTF!!! I end up on the machine, leave a polite message that I am returning their call.

Inside, I'm panicking, and wondering if they can cancel the cancellation of my lease. I know they have new tenants, so that's unlikely, but still... the guy seems to have 25 years experience in double-crossing people. I'm not that old, a little naive and generally a good person (i.e. I don't fight or bite very hard.) I don't have bad intentions, so it's hard for me to see through people who DO.

Anyways, spent the day dreading every new message on my machine, but at the same time really wanting them to call me back to know WHAT it is they wanted with me!! Finally, get a message back in late afternoon. It was one of the many assistants, one who was never assigned to my case before. And he sounds really uncomfortable over the phone. Message went like this: "Well hi, um... I'm calling you back about the message I left you this morning. It seems there was a misunderstanding. We did get a city inspection and report, but nothing in the report indicates that there is a mold problem. So, yeah... because of that, the owner says that since your problem was with mold, ...ah... well, that it's not his fault so he's denying all responsibility and we'll see you in court. NO NEED TO CALL ME BAack... this was.... just to let you know...? Ah... thank you!"


...


Assholes. As if that message contained anything useful I didn't already know.

So anyways, went to the gym on Thursday, burned a good 300+ calories, plus since my cracked rib has begun hurting less, got back to working on the machines. What kinda sucks though is that we ended up having dinner at McDonalds afterwards... oy. Not my idea: since we were in the middle of a snowstorm, we'd heard on the radio that traffic was going all the way from DT Montreal to Blainville, which NEVER happens, and would be pretty terrible to be in. We decided to wait for the worst of it to be over, but BF and I couldn't agree on a restaurant for dinner... Suppose I learned my lesson since I was feeling queasy most of the way home.

Since we got home so late, nails were far from my first priority, i.e. SLEEP.

Which is what I should get around to doing right about now.

Small miracles

1- Skin is mending sloooowly. Must. Resist!!!
2- Huh... all that splurging during the Holidays and I'm ONE pound heavier?
3- Manicure still holding (though might be time for a new coat of polish)
4- Keeping up!

First day back at the gym, 320 calories burned on the treadmill (or whatever that machine making you walk/run in the air is called). Was insanely relieved when I stepped on the scale and it revealed that all the junk ingurgitated during Christmas time had mysteriously vanished!Might help that I've been eating lots of fruits and trying to limit my calorie intake (i.e: trying to stop eating chocolates and leftover desserts from the Holidays.) Still, I didn't quite expect that small miracle!

Other than that, nothing very interesting happened. Couple customers today, nothing too out of the ordinary.

Boss lady is back and when I went in to discuss a case, she spent the first 10 minutes of our meeting showing me condos in her neighborhood. She's a good boss, but I still find it weird that she's trying to get me to move to her area... Still, some of the places she showed me looked promising.

And as we got back home tonight, mom also told me she had found some new constructions said to be available around March 2012. Time to go look at those!

Lazy Sunday

1- Leave thumb alone: Continuing good work!
2- Get weight back to 145-150: bleeeeergh, I don't wanna talk about it.
3- Take better care of appearance: Mucho progress!
4- Writing more: Progress, progress!

Title of the post isn't really representative as feel have accomplished plenty this morning! Played cards with mom and dad and BF (won twice, go me! hehe!), cut BF's hair, played beautician to mom and then finally got down to the highly unpleasant business of waxing after not waxing for much much too long... (Ow indeed.) Also took the polish off my nails, and am now in the process of deciding which color to put on. Of course, that bit of decision-making has started over an hour ago, and now between dicking around on fb and watching BF play his new PS3 game, feels like I haven't done much...

Wanted to get around to using my new cooky decorating kit, but somewhat felt that baking cookies would be counterproductive to resolution #2. (Still, perhaps not as much as those Bailey's chocolates I got for X-mas. Why did it have to be a 1L container???)

On the upside, I AM feeling better, so I'm thinking we're bound to hit the gym again starting this week (and though I hate going to the gym, I at least feel somewhat refreshed after sweating intensely for 45 minutes).

Well, think I'll be off. Time to paint my nails and go watch some House or Big Bang Theory.

Humble beginnings

1- Leave thumb alone: pretty not bad!
2- Get down to 145-150 lbs: meh.
3- Take better care of myself: Painted nails, wheeee!
4- Get back to writing: hey, here after 4 days!

Getting back to work always does a number on the thumb. Plus, was expecting mass hysteria to greet us after 4 days we were closed but in reality, got to work to an almost empty waiting room. Figured things would pick up and.... they never did. Not that I truly mind the no customer thing, but boredom can be quite dangerous to my first resolution of the new year. Having nothing to do makes me play with my thumb almost unconsciously, and many a time I woke up from spacing out with my thumb between my teeth. Still, for a first week, I managed ok - yes, relapses happened, that's why it's a resolution! But on the whole, my thumb is a lot less red than at Christmas.

The good thing about the thumb is improvement can be seen after just a few days. That doesn't happen with a diet. (No, no, diets are bad! Must not think of it as a diet, must think of it as changing one's habits to a healthier lifestyle!) Anyways, tons of things have kept me from resolution #2, such as Mr X and his girlfriend Cat leaving for their road trip to Vegas, and thus invinting us to Toyo's, delicious Japanese style restaurant, where we ate entirely too much terriyaki chicken and fried rice. (Also, Toyo's is terrible on the wallet, but hey, I did get to spend more time with friends!) To make matters worse, theirs was a last minute invite, and I had already made dinner plans for Thursday night with Oni-san at my favorite sushi place (Do not look at credit card bill until paycheck has been deposited.) And tonight, BF decided that he had a McDonalds craving.... (at least, he paid AND we had coupons...) Tomorrow's bound to be just as bad, as we have another engagement, this time with BF's family at a buffet. On the upside, I did bring my lunch everyday this week! That must count for something, no??? Oy....

Before our Toyo dinner, had decided that going out with friends I hadn't seen in a long time deserved I prioritize resolution #3! So I painted my nails with some sea-green nail polish and it looked spiffy! Looking back I should have washed my hair again, since if I don't wash it every fucking 1 1/2 day, it is untamed everywhere, except for the bangs that are terribly flat, grrrr. Also, wore a cute outfit of trendy jeans and a nice shirt with a camy under, but I still felt fat. Meh. Please let me stop being sick so I can get back to the gym, at least a little!!! Dressed up nice for my first day back at work and wore eyeliner, still sporting my nail polish that hasn't even chipped up till now. However, that kinda took a hike after the first day back, since at night, back home, I detected the first signs of a bladder infection. There's nothing like being sick to make you not respect your resolution to look nice: you want comfy clothes cause you're in pain and you don't give a shit if you look like shit cause you feel like it too. Mercifully, only spent 30-45 minutes at the clinic, and walked free with a prescription for antibiotics that is renewable. Thank you Jesus!

So I've survived the first week, my wallet is a little worse for wear but hey, I've spent some good times with friends and that's worth something. ...ok, I bought ear pompoms for much more than they should be worth, but they look nice and fashionable, (and they're warm!) so I don't regret it. Yet.

Estate agent's outta town, so no news on the condo front. Got back to work so little time to practice cooking skills (commute takes around 3-4 hours per day, temporary situation, rest assured... though how semi-permanent the temporary situation is still has to be determined.)

Still, the year's brand new. Lots of room to keep improving. ...yup!

2012

1. Leave my thumb alone
2. Get weight down to 145-150 lbs
3. Take better care of myself and my appearance
4. Get back to writing


Consider this my personal version of Bridget Jones's Diary. Except, starring me, instead of Bridget. Shouldn't be all that different I figure, considering how my mom can be...


So here are my New Year resolutions for 2012. Figured if the end of the world does come, it'll be nice to know I've managed to accomplish something. Hm... though then might be mightily pissed if for once, was on the right track getting my life to how I want it to be.

1. When I was a kid, I used to chew on my fingernails. At one point, I ran out of fingernails to chew. So, out of boredom and a lack of suitable-length fingernails, I began playing with the skin around the nails. I picked at my skin so much, that eventually all my fingers looked like a 2-color version of those red-white-blue popsicles. Over the years, I've managed to cut back on my finger abuse. And now, at 26, the one finger I can't seem to leave alone is the thumb on my left hand. And now since my mom, my boyfriend, my friends, my co-workers AND my boss have taken it upon themselves to make me stop, I figured I might as well give it a real shot. Don't laugh: I swear it's as hard as quitting smoking (though I never smoked, I'm pretty sure that's how smokers feel!)

2. I've never been thin, and I never will be and I've decided I wasn't gonna psychotically obsess over it anymore. I, however, have once been thinner, and thus would like to get back to that weight where I felt comfortable in my own skin.

3. In the past, I've thought this would only be to make my mom stop her near constant nagging, though recently, I came to realize I'd like to look nicer too. By looking nicer, I actually mean the following: have painted nails, wear a bit of make-up, update my wardrobe and not wait till I look like a grizzly bear to wax certain strategic parts of myself (plus, can you say OOOOOOOW?) I've always been more of a tomboy, slightly lazy about it too since it never mattered much to me before, but I have a friend, Kari, who's a master girly-girl (ok, she might be a little too fashion obsessed for my tastes, but she always looks great) and I've started thinking more about her way of seeing how she "suits up", and started to see the good points in her philosophy.

4. Getting back to writing is why I've started this new blog. I've been writing ever since I became a fanfiction addict in highschool, through college, uni, and when I was in Japan, but since I've well and truly entered the "workforce", writing has sort of taken a hike. And I miss it. Plus, Ian is always writing since he's taking college classes for creative writing and I keep reading his stuff and it makes me miss it even more. So for this blog not to turn out to be one long ass post every 2 months, here's my complete resolution: Write a minimum of one post a week, updating you with how I'm doing, keeping my New Year's resolutions. This should (WILL, dammit!) culminate in minimum 52 posts for the year, hopefully a bit more!

So here it is, the important stuff at least. Cuz there's also a million tons of things I'm hoping I'll accomplish by the end of 2012, like: being more comfortable at my job (i.e: reconciliating my ethics with the new views and policies, for example);
finding a condo;
spending less on unimportant things (already not too bad at that one I'd say!);
learning to cook new stuff (and using the 4 recipe books I got for Xmas in the process);
seeing friends more often;
going out more often (and not leaving at 11PM cuz I'm too tired);
and spending less time/money in restaurants (counter-productive to resolution #2, learning to cook and spending less).

So here it is, wish me success! And I hope you'll stick to whatever resolutions you have taken!